Mascot Madness Round One Region Four

1 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. 16 SMU Mustangs- The Bearcat gives up size, strength, and speed to the mighty mustang, but this contest is played out on a tree branch, in the rainforests of Southeast Asia. Oh, and in the middle of the night too. The nocturnal Bearcat wins by staying on the tree branch. The Mustang falls and breaks his leg, leading him to ultimately receive the Barbaro treatment.

8 Clemson Tigers vs. 9 Boston College Eagles- While eagles are widely perceived as badass, tigers are widely perceived as crazy as hell. In the jungle the tiger devours the eagle.

5 Stanford Cardinal (a tree) vs. 12 Navy Midshipmen- The only things I have ever seen a tree defeat are domestic cats, parked cars, and Tiger Woods' SUV. Navy rolls.

4 Northwestern Wildcats vs. 13 Georgia Bulldogs- This may be at Northwestern, but this matchup goes back to the age old conflict of cats vs. dogs. Georgia feasts.

3 BYU Cougars vs. 14 UCF Golden Knights- The golden knight arrives in uncharted territory to take on the cougars: a big city bar that young men frequent in search of "experienced" women. The knights are seduced by the crafty cougars and ultimately defeated. BYU moves on.

6 East Carolina Pirates vs. 11 Arkansas Razorbacks (basically a pig)- This is like Jack Sparrow versus Babe. This should be a no brainer. Sparrow is cunning and quick. Attacks early and often. However, in the third round the unexpected strikes. Sparrow contracts swine flu. The match is called in favor of Arkansas on what the refs refer to as a TH1N1O.

7 Utah Utes vs. 10 Auburn Tigers- These two square off inside of a wigwam. The Ute indian dismantles the tiger, eats the meat, wears the hide, and makes a necklace with the teeth. Utah goes through.

2 Oregon Ducks vs. 15 ND Fighting Irish- This is a drunk Irishman against a duck in the middle of a pond. The Irishman offers the duck a Guinness and gets him hopped up. The duck flies around frantically for ten rounds, running into lily pads and crayfish. The Irishman spends these rounds threatening raccoons and trying to punch toads. An errant Irish punch takes he beak off of a waywardly bound duck. Irish win in 15.

Citi BCS National Championship

Robert Guliano on why Bama will win: Because Texas almost got beat by one player. Ndakumong Suh chewed, swallowed, and digested the entire Longhorn offense in their last game. There is no reason that an entire defense with close to as much talent as Suh can shut the Horns down.

Tide Players to watch:

3. RB Mark Ingram- He is the Heisman winner, so he should implode tonight.

2. QB Greg McElroy- Fresh off his debatable postgame interview after the SEC title game where he categorized himself as a great quarterback, McElroy should use a superb defense and outstanding rushing attack to enhance his erroneous sense of entitlement on the college football landscape.

1. Nick Saban- Go Dolphins!

Brandon Hickey on why Texas will win: Here it is ladies and gentlemen, a semi-true national championship game. Big 12 Champion Texas heads into the game perfect with impressive wins at Oklahoma State and a grind-it-out victory over Nebraska in the Big 12 Title game. This game features two great offenses, and could be more of a shootout than the Washington Wizards locker room. Texas averages 40.7 points per game while only giving up 15.2. To win, Texas will need to stack the box in order to stop Alabama's Heisman winning running back Mark Ingram and explosive true freshman Trent Richardson. The Longhorns need to put pressure on Tide quarterback Greg McElroy and force him into making mistakes. McElroy won't throw the ball a lot, but he makes the most of his attempts. Safety Earl Thomas will need to step up to cover Alabama's two receiving threats Julio Jones and Marquis Maze. On offense, Texas will look to stay away from Alabama's roving linebacker Rolando McClain. Look for many deep passes from Colt McCoy to Jordan Shipley and James Kirkendoll as Alabama tends to give up bunches of passing yards to good quarterbacks. I mean, Jonathan Crompton threw for 265 against them if that tells you anything.

Texas players to watch:

3. DE Sergio Kindle-Kindle will look to drive through the Tide O-Line like he literally drove through an apartment when he was texting while driving. Hopefully he won't leave the game like he left the crime scene. He really didn't need a second DUI.

2. WR Jordan Shipley-Shipley will see a great matchup against Alabama cornerback Javier Arenas. He will definitely see a lot of balls coming his way in the game, and also when he and Colt McCoy get legally married. Whaaaaaat?

1. QB Colt McCoy-McCoy needs to prove to NFL scouts that he is for real. He can propel himself into the top ten in the draft with a great game, but can also drop into the second or third round with a terrible performance like his Big 12 championship game. In that game he went 20-36 with no touchdowns and three picks. He'll have to do better against a better defense.

The Compromise: Texas will be playing the "nobody believes in us" card as everyone is picking Alabama for this game. All that will do is make the game closer. Alabama has much more talent and is just a better overall team than Texas. Bama wins the diamond football 21-17.

Mascot Madness Round One

By Taylor Long

Matchup #1- 1 Texas Longhorns vs. 16 Idaho Vandals

The Longhorn goes up against a vandal in the longhorn's natural habitat, which I guess would be in a pasture or a ranch somewhere in Texas. After doing some research on the Idaho Vandals I have come to two conclusions about them. First, they got their name from a former basketball coach who said that his Idaho team plays such good defense that they "vandalize" the other team. Second, Larry Craig and the voice of Patrick on Spongebob are both from Idaho. For these two worthless findings, I will say that the only vandalizing going on in this matchup will be from the longhorns. Winner: longhorn

Matchup #2- 8 USC Trojans vs. 9 Oklahoma Sooners

This is a matchup of a Trojan vs. a wagon. That's right. A wagon. A wagon! The wagon, named Schooner Sooner, is pulled by two horses named Boomer and Sooner. I guess that means this is a matchup of a trojan on a horse vs. a wagon pulled by two horses. The Trojan has the advantage in this one because it has weapons including a shield and a sword. What's a wagon gonna do? Seriously. Its a wagon. Winner: trojan

Matchup #3- 5 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. 12 Troy Trojans    

The Trojan would be tough to beat, and as you saw in the previous matchup, the trojan seems tough to beat. It's one thing to fight a wagon, but to fight a mountaineer in the mountaineer's habitat, that's another story. The mountaineer has guns, and even though they seem worthless with their goofy raccoon hat and deerskin clothes, the rifle of the mountaineer would be no match for a trojan. Winner: mountaineer

Matchup #4- 4 Miami Hurricanes vs. 13 South Florida Bulls

You may be asking yourself how a bull can fight a hurricane, but Miami's mascot is actually Sebastian the Ibis which is a bird that flies around during a hurricane. To me this matchup all comes down to the habitat in which it takes place. I just don't see a bull surviving a hurricane when it has to deal with lightning, floods, massive winds, and a bird that flies around it mocking it. In the end, I see the bull drowning or something like that. Winner: hurricanes.

Matchup #5 – 3 Iowa Hawkeyes vs. 14 Florida State Seminoles

The Hawkeyes come into this battle with a big win over Georgia Tech and some needed momentum, but this next battle with the Seminoles won't be on a football field. This matchup will take place in a tree somewhere in Iowa. The Hawkeye will be flying around and diving at the Seminole, but the Seminole will be prepared. It's got a hatchet (provided by Gary Paulsen), a bow and arrow, and arrowheads. With the accuracy and precision of the Seminole, I don't see how the Hawkeye can compete, even if Bobby Bowden isn't there to coach the Seminole. Not only would the Seminole win, but then it would probably eat the Hawkeye and make a headdress out of the feathers. Winner: Seminole (first upset)

Matchup #6 – 6 Arizona Wildcats vs. 11 Connecticut Huskies

This is a heck of matchup. It's so tough I had to watch hours of game film on the discovery channel. I spent all weekend witnessing the impressive skills and abilities of each mascot and both impressed me. To me, this matchup comes down to the location of the battle and the habitat of the Arizona Wildcat makes it very difficult for the huskies. Even if the huskies are as tall and as defense oriented as Hasheem Thabeet, I don't see how huskies can compete in the deserts of Arizona. Winner: Wildcats

Matchup #7 – 7 Houston Cougars vs. 10 Tennessee Volunteers

Now when I think of volunteering I think of soup kitchens, bread lines, and mountain man ringing at Wal-Mart for the Salvation Army. But the actual mascot of the volunteers is a dog named Smokey that really does nothing but lead the team onto the field. It's not too intimidating and all it really does is lay there on the sideline. Even without the passing attack of Case Keenum, I see the cougars coming out with the win. Winner: cougar

Matchup #8 – 2 Boise State Broncos vs. 15 Kansas State Wildcats

There are a couple of factors that make this matchup difficult for the wildcats. For one, the wildcat just got out of rehab with Michael Beasley. Who knows what kind of mental state the wildcat is in after recovering for the past couple weeks with Dr. Drew. Secondly, the battle will probably be located somewhere on blue turf. The football field is blue, so wherever Boise State gets their broncos has to be some place blue too, right? This blue turf would throw any wildcat off, especially one who's only been sober for a couple weeks. The wild, untamed horse would feel comfortable on its home turf and prevail with a win. Winner: bronco

GMAC Bowl-The Prelude to a Championship

Robert Guliano on why Central Michigan will win: Because quarterback Dan Lefevour is the girl-next-door of big, white, duel-threat quarterbacks. He is a Tim Tebow that nobody hates. His bi-polar style of play has fueled the Chippewas to an 11-win season as he has led his team in rushing and passing. He has had a fabulous college career and may be primed for a stellar NFL one as well.

CMU Players to Watch:

3. Dan Lefevour personality #2- When he gets pressured, look for him to run, hard.

2. Dan Lefevour personality #1- Lefevour looks to pick apart a presumably weak Sun Belt defense all night.

1. Coach Butch Jones- Revision: Ex-Coach Butch Jones- Jones has already fled the scene at CMU in favor of Cincinnati but will stick around to coach his great quarterback through one more bowl game. Cincinnati's move to hire a successful Central Michigan head coach is eerily similar to the hire of Brian Kelly. And we all know how that worked out for them.

Brandon Hickey on why Troy will win: Troy seems to always have a stellar record, until you realize they play in the Sun Belt Conference. They didn't beat a bowl-eligible team and got thumped by Florida 56-6. Ouch. I also love the name of their conference. Because it would be politically incorrect to call it the Bible Belt, which it truly is (Arkansas to Florida), they call it the Sun Belt because it is in the South where it's warm. I think the Mid-American Conference should be renamed the Snow Belt.

Troy players to watch:

3. The Secondary-Someone has to stop LeFevour, and these guys gotta do it.

2. QB Levi Brown-Brown threw for almost 4,000 yards this season and 22 touchdowns. That's over two-and-a-fourth miles.

1. WR Cornelius Williams-Williams was one of the stars on MTV's show Two-a-days, which followed the Hoover High School football team in Alabama. Williams has done well for himself, but Ross Wilson hasn't been heard from since.

The Compromise: Central Michigan has a fever, and the only prescription is passing. Chipps 35-14.

MASCOT MADNESS Round One

By William Boyer

#1 TCU Horned Frogs v. #16 Iowa State Cyclones

An interesting matchup when looked at in face value, but a cyclone would be an unfair advantage to a #16 team so I’m going to interpret the Cyclones as Cy the Cardinal, who is the physical mascot of ISU. Now if you ran into a horned frog (actually a horned lizard but that’s irrelevant), a reptile that can shoot a blood/poison mix from its eyes up to a distance of 5 feet and can protrude spikes from its body when swallowed, doing battle with a cardinal, a pretty bird, in the middle of a Texan desert, who do you think is going to win? WIN: TCU

FUN FACT: The ISU cardinal Cy won the 2007 CBS Sportsline Most Dominant Mascot on Earth and the 2008 Capital One National Mascot of the Year.

#8 Texas Tech Red Raiders v. #9 Ole Miss Rebels

Now the Red Raiders mascot, the Masked Rider, is a walking, talking rip-off of Zorro while the Rebels bring up fond memories of the South’s attempt of secession over some trifling matter about slavery, then getting smacked back into the bayou by the hangnail of God’s morals. Not wanting to side with blatant racism, and out of fear of being locked in a closet by Mike Leach, I can’t go against Bizarro Zorro on his home turf (wherever that would be, Mexico?) WIN: Texas Tech

#5 Pitt Panthers v. #12 Ohio Bobcats

The panther, also called a puma, mountain lion, or cougar, is a gigantic godless killing machine which is indirectly the basis for seemingly half the mascots out there. Panthers live in mountainous areas and are known to be able to take down animals up to the size of a horse (holy shit!) Meanwhile, the bobcat is a smaller version of a lynx that’s willing to scrounge up insects to survive. This, my friends, is the first example of an über-talented versus scrappy mascot matchup. While I want to pick the smaller bobcat, I have never seen a scrappy person defeat a freak of an athlete with the exception of a few times (David Eckstein’s Angels, Link from The Legend of Zelda, the fabled Guliano-Stevens matchup in the trenches.) WIN: Pitt

#4 LSU Tigers v. #13 Kentucky Wildcats

When I Google imaged a wildcat, this was one of the first to come up:

Enough said. WIN: LSU

#3 Penn State Nittany Lions v. #14 Michigan State Spartans

I want to pick Penn State. The university has a fantastic mascot in the nittany lions and overwhelming home field advantage in this brawl, but ever since watching 300, I cannot consciously pick against the Spartans. The nittany lions might have the Spartans in the mointains, but that would be nothing compared to what the Persians threw at them. All they have to do is line up in a phalanx and ride out the storm. WIN: Michigan State

#6 Central Michigan Chippewas v. #11 South Carolina Gamecocks

Although South Carolina’s mascot is a 100 on the unintentional comedy scale, its difficult to be intimidated by a gamecock unless you’re a kernel of corn. The Chippewas would easily slaughter these chickens, eat the meat, and then use every part of the animal. The only chance the gamecocks would have would be if they were employed by the U.S. government (HA!) WIN: Central Michigan

#7 Oklahoma State Cowboys v. #10 Mizzou Tigers

This is a no-brainer. A cowboy, in the wild west, armed to the teeth with a Winchester, a Colt revolver, and numerous other weapons would be able to easily dispatch a tiger from a distance. As long as this wrangler had “the Gun that Won the West” and didn’t go Brokeback Mountain on us, he could easily win this fight.

WIN: Oklahoma State

#2 Ohio State Buckeyes v. #15 Texas A&M Aggies

A nut versus an agricultural student. Call up Vegas, we’ve got quite a fight! I don’t even know where to start with this train wreck. The buckeye could either sit there and do nothing or… sit there and do nothing. I guess if the buckeye was dropped from a high enough distance it could kill the student, but we’re talking about a tree, not the Sears Tower. And the buckeyes only defense, its own poisonous inedibility, is countered by the aggie’s thorough knowledge of all things agricultural. I picture the fight happening like this: the aggie walks into the forest, sees a buckeye, walks right past it, and goes on with his or her life. Game over. WIN: Texas A&M

Orange Bowl Preview

FedEx Orange Bowl

Rob Guliano on Why Georgia Tech will win: Because Iowa’s wins have been uglier than Cinderella’s stepsisters. They’ve been as repulsive as Donald Trump’s hair. Looking at their box scores has been looking at the sun. You could catch a leprechaun in a field of four leaf clovers and not be luckier than this team was in its first nine games. Fortunately for a dangerous Georgia Tech offense, Iowa’s luck has run out.

Ga Tech players to watch:

3. QB Josh Nesbitt- Should go over the 1,000 yard mark rushing in this game. That would make him a rare thousand-yard rusher and passer.

2. FB Jonathan Dwyer- He has made the lost art of playing fullback look hip. He is a trendsetter. He’s like Old Navy without the worthless commercials.

1. Drew Tate- The former Iowa field general/unofficial undersized quarterback God will not play in this game. This is an automatic advantage to any Iowa opponent. Youtube the 2005 Capitol One Bowl. And weep.

Brandon Hickey on why Iowa will win: In a game that should sounds thousands of ratings records for Fox, Big Ten runner-up Iowa takes on ACC Champion Georgia Tech. Iowa has a very solid defense giving up only 15.5 points per while Georgia Tech's offense features two great speedsters in Jonathan Dwyer and Demaryius Thomas. Iowa stumbled down the stretch of their season by losing at home to Northwestern and at Ohio State after quarterback Richard Stanzi went down with an injury. Iowa did win at Penn State and had numerous unreasonably close games that they pulled out at the end (Northern Iowa, Michigan State). It will be interesting to see which Iowa team shows up.

Iowa players to watch:

3. People with a hyphenated last name-These players always seem to be really good for some reason like Maurice Jones-Drew or Mike Sims-Walker. Iowa receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos is a good one and probably will be drafted by the Jags.

2. QB James Vandenburg-Filling in for the injured Stanzi, he put up 2 touchdowns and 5 picks. He's gonna have to do a lot better against the Wramblin Wreck.

1. OTs Bryan Bulaga and Kyle Calloway-These big corn-fed bruisers are the bookends to Iowa's stingy offensive line. They will need to keep Tech dominant defensive end Derrick Morgan in check.

THE COMPROMISE: Ugl, ugly, ugly. Jackets 27-16.

Mascot Madness: In Memoriam of Steve Irwin Bracket

1 Alabama Crimson Tide     vs.     16 Wyoming Cowboys

Location: The Birmingham Zoo, Birmingham, Alabama

The Showdown: Since red, rising water isn't exactly intimidating, the elephant has to be used as the mascot of Alabama. A cowboy who walks up to the elephant exhibit at the Birmingham Zoo will sure to be jumping out of his chaps when he sees the huge mammal staring down at him. The elephant, normally peaceful animal, will whip its trunk around and stun the disheveled westerner. Sorry, Billy the Kid, you can't lasso an elephant.

Winner: Alabama by a couple thousand pounds.

8 Cal Golden Bears        vs.    9 North Carolina Tar Heels

Location: Redwood Regional Park, Berkeley, California

The Showdown: When a bear, much less a golden bear, smells its prey, it goes in for the kill. So when a ram from North Carolina struts into Redwood Regional Park, the golden bear has already sensed its presence. When it sees the lowly sheep feasting on wild grass, the golden bear knows it has won the battle. After the pounce, the bear rips the ram to shreds.

Winner: Cal. There will only be horns and enough wool for ten sweaters left when the bear gets through.

5 Wisconsin Badgers        vs.    12 Nevada Wolfpack

Location: University of Wisconsin Arboretum, Madison, Wisconsin

The Showdown: Badgers are a lot tougher than you think. They're fierce animals and will do anything to protect their young. They're also known to run up to 20 miles an hour at top speed. Plus, a wolf from Nevada has no chance surviving in the Wisconsin cold. Also, wolves are known to only attack their prey when it tries to flee, which doesn't really make sense in the animal world.

Winner: Wisconsin badgers are tough animals and will stand their ground. The wolf will stop threatening and will go looking for better tasting food (aka cheese).

4 Virginia Tech Hokies        vs.    13 Temple Owls

Location: George Washington National Forest, Blacksburg, Virginia

The Showdown: For all those who don't know, a hokie is a glorified turkey. Turkeys are not that intimidating, and are very tasty at the end of November. The largest bird of the forest eats mainly berries and other non-animal things. An owl is a bird of prey, eating anything from mice to small mammals. Owls mainly hunt at night and are downright scary looking.

Winner: In a huge upset, the Owls are able to track down their turkey prey and kill them with their sharp talons, even in a foreign forest.

3 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets    vs.    14 Air Force Falcons

Location: Metro Atlanta Beekeepers Association, Atlanta, Georgia

The Showdown: The Falcon flies down to Metro Atlanta for his in-air face-off with the yellow jacket. The yellow jacket has mainly one weapon, that huge stinger on the end of his body. The falcon has many weapons to use, including its fierce talons and sharp beak. Once a yellow jacket stings, it sometimes loses its stinger too, ultimately making it ineffective and downright annoying. The falcon is also Air Force trained, meaning it can fly very well and knows how to attack.

Winner: The falcon easily handles the sting of the bee and crushes the insect with its strong talons. The falcon is too big and too strong for the meddling bee.

6 Nebraska Cornhuskers        vs.    11 Fresno State Bulldogs    

Location: The Weaver Family Farm, Lincoln, Nebraska

The Showdown: While the Weavers are calmly husking their corn on their expansive Lincoln farm, a bulldog shows up looking for war. Bulldogs are not very agile, while the husker is quick and is very good with his hands. The husker may also have a scythe, which the bulldog has no weapon of choice.

Winner: The bulldog runs away from the husker with its tail tucked between its legs.

7 Oregon State Beavers        vs.    10 Rutgers Scarlet Knights

Location: Willamette River, Corvallis, Oregon

The Showdown: The Scarlet Knight rides into Corvallis on a valiant steed looking for the nearest dam to attack. With a sword in hand, the knight cuts up the dam left and right; the beavers don't know what to think. With no ability to fight back, the beavers stand no chance.

Winner: The beavers eventually retreat down the river while the knight sits victorious on top of his stallion.

2 Florida Gators            vs.    15 Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders

Location: Newman's Lake Conservation Area, Gainesville, Florida

The Showdown: Middle Tennessee's mascot, Lightning, is a winged horse based on Greek mythology. This really makes no sense whatsoever. Anyway, the horse "flies" down to Gainesville for an interesting matchup against a giant alligator. Alligators are natural predators and will eat anything in sight. The swamp is where the alligator is most dangerous, and a horse, much less a flying one, will not be comfortable in a place without comfortable footing.

Winner: Lightning falls into a swampy area and obviously can't swim. The gator attacks and has enough meals to last it a week.