Friday, January 22, 2010

Mascot Madness Round One Region Four

1 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. 16 SMU Mustangs- The Bearcat gives up size, strength, and speed to the mighty mustang, but this contest is played out on a tree branch, in the rainforests of Southeast Asia. Oh, and in the middle of the night too. The nocturnal Bearcat wins by staying on the tree branch. The Mustang falls and breaks his leg, leading him to ultimately receive the Barbaro treatment.

8 Clemson Tigers vs. 9 Boston College Eagles- While eagles are widely perceived as badass, tigers are widely perceived as crazy as hell. In the jungle the tiger devours the eagle.

5 Stanford Cardinal (a tree) vs. 12 Navy Midshipmen- The only things I have ever seen a tree defeat are domestic cats, parked cars, and Tiger Woods' SUV. Navy rolls.

4 Northwestern Wildcats vs. 13 Georgia Bulldogs- This may be at Northwestern, but this matchup goes back to the age old conflict of cats vs. dogs. Georgia feasts.

3 BYU Cougars vs. 14 UCF Golden Knights- The golden knight arrives in uncharted territory to take on the cougars: a big city bar that young men frequent in search of "experienced" women. The knights are seduced by the crafty cougars and ultimately defeated. BYU moves on.

6 East Carolina Pirates vs. 11 Arkansas Razorbacks (basically a pig)- This is like Jack Sparrow versus Babe. This should be a no brainer. Sparrow is cunning and quick. Attacks early and often. However, in the third round the unexpected strikes. Sparrow contracts swine flu. The match is called in favor of Arkansas on what the refs refer to as a TH1N1O.

7 Utah Utes vs. 10 Auburn Tigers- These two square off inside of a wigwam. The Ute indian dismantles the tiger, eats the meat, wears the hide, and makes a necklace with the teeth. Utah goes through.

2 Oregon Ducks vs. 15 ND Fighting Irish- This is a drunk Irishman against a duck in the middle of a pond. The Irishman offers the duck a Guinness and gets him hopped up. The duck flies around frantically for ten rounds, running into lily pads and crayfish. The Irishman spends these rounds threatening raccoons and trying to punch toads. An errant Irish punch takes he beak off of a waywardly bound duck. Irish win in 15.


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