MASCOT MADNESS Round One

By William Boyer

#1 TCU Horned Frogs v. #16 Iowa State Cyclones

An interesting matchup when looked at in face value, but a cyclone would be an unfair advantage to a #16 team so I’m going to interpret the Cyclones as Cy the Cardinal, who is the physical mascot of ISU. Now if you ran into a horned frog (actually a horned lizard but that’s irrelevant), a reptile that can shoot a blood/poison mix from its eyes up to a distance of 5 feet and can protrude spikes from its body when swallowed, doing battle with a cardinal, a pretty bird, in the middle of a Texan desert, who do you think is going to win? WIN: TCU

FUN FACT: The ISU cardinal Cy won the 2007 CBS Sportsline Most Dominant Mascot on Earth and the 2008 Capital One National Mascot of the Year.

#8 Texas Tech Red Raiders v. #9 Ole Miss Rebels

Now the Red Raiders mascot, the Masked Rider, is a walking, talking rip-off of Zorro while the Rebels bring up fond memories of the South’s attempt of secession over some trifling matter about slavery, then getting smacked back into the bayou by the hangnail of God’s morals. Not wanting to side with blatant racism, and out of fear of being locked in a closet by Mike Leach, I can’t go against Bizarro Zorro on his home turf (wherever that would be, Mexico?) WIN: Texas Tech

#5 Pitt Panthers v. #12 Ohio Bobcats

The panther, also called a puma, mountain lion, or cougar, is a gigantic godless killing machine which is indirectly the basis for seemingly half the mascots out there. Panthers live in mountainous areas and are known to be able to take down animals up to the size of a horse (holy shit!) Meanwhile, the bobcat is a smaller version of a lynx that’s willing to scrounge up insects to survive. This, my friends, is the first example of an über-talented versus scrappy mascot matchup. While I want to pick the smaller bobcat, I have never seen a scrappy person defeat a freak of an athlete with the exception of a few times (David Eckstein’s Angels, Link from The Legend of Zelda, the fabled Guliano-Stevens matchup in the trenches.) WIN: Pitt

#4 LSU Tigers v. #13 Kentucky Wildcats

When I Google imaged a wildcat, this was one of the first to come up:

Enough said. WIN: LSU

#3 Penn State Nittany Lions v. #14 Michigan State Spartans

I want to pick Penn State. The university has a fantastic mascot in the nittany lions and overwhelming home field advantage in this brawl, but ever since watching 300, I cannot consciously pick against the Spartans. The nittany lions might have the Spartans in the mointains, but that would be nothing compared to what the Persians threw at them. All they have to do is line up in a phalanx and ride out the storm. WIN: Michigan State

#6 Central Michigan Chippewas v. #11 South Carolina Gamecocks

Although South Carolina’s mascot is a 100 on the unintentional comedy scale, its difficult to be intimidated by a gamecock unless you’re a kernel of corn. The Chippewas would easily slaughter these chickens, eat the meat, and then use every part of the animal. The only chance the gamecocks would have would be if they were employed by the U.S. government (HA!) WIN: Central Michigan

#7 Oklahoma State Cowboys v. #10 Mizzou Tigers

This is a no-brainer. A cowboy, in the wild west, armed to the teeth with a Winchester, a Colt revolver, and numerous other weapons would be able to easily dispatch a tiger from a distance. As long as this wrangler had “the Gun that Won the West” and didn’t go Brokeback Mountain on us, he could easily win this fight.

WIN: Oklahoma State

#2 Ohio State Buckeyes v. #15 Texas A&M Aggies

A nut versus an agricultural student. Call up Vegas, we’ve got quite a fight! I don’t even know where to start with this train wreck. The buckeye could either sit there and do nothing or… sit there and do nothing. I guess if the buckeye was dropped from a high enough distance it could kill the student, but we’re talking about a tree, not the Sears Tower. And the buckeyes only defense, its own poisonous inedibility, is countered by the aggie’s thorough knowledge of all things agricultural. I picture the fight happening like this: the aggie walks into the forest, sees a buckeye, walks right past it, and goes on with his or her life. Game over. WIN: Texas A&M